Friday, January 21, 2011

What causes resistance?

This full moon week has been one for the books. Lovely and illuminating. They say full moons can also bring culminations. I’ve been reading so much lately, so many blogs and articles and books. Somewhere, somebody wrote that we should document our successes. So, here goes one.

Just a few days ago I was chatting with a fellow yogini and artist about how to distinguish between feelings of resistance. Knowing when there is resistance to something potentially good for you (i.e. a hot sweaty yoga class), versus resisting something potentially harmful (i.e. a cancer inducing cigarette).
Sometimes the difference isn’t so obvious.

A week prior, I’d been chatting with another dear yogini about my struggle to complete a business proposal for my album project. Seems whenever I get close to completion or a breakthrough, Whoosh!, the forces of sabotage and evil are set upon me with a vengeance to ensure nothing I produce will ever see the light of finishing’s day. She told me about this book, The War of Art.

As the moon waxed full, I had the creepy familiar old feeling of a visitor coming back round to haunt me. I call him, Mister Boredom. He steals my joy, and leaves me feeling extremely, extremely ungrateful. You see, letting go is always risky business. Especially so when you take that extra unsafe approach and let go of something before you’ve been careful to replace it. That’s what was happening with me in regards to my choices about relationships. I made some very risky decisions, and I was beginning to feel extremely vulnerable, and alone.

I was invited to a girlfriend’s birthday party in Venice. Well, I call this girl, friend, loosely. We are more like acquaintances. But she is a very talented and very cool chic. And in light of my new year, new moon intentions to let go of some old friendships and cultivate new, I felt particularly inclined to go to this party. Not just because I was invited, but in hopes that by participating in her celebration, we might actually become better friends. I felt the invitation was God supporting my intentions.

Then the strangest thing happened the day of the party.

I'd wanted to go, but as the hour drew nearer, the thought of going became filled with dread. I fought with myself the whole way. Even after I started the car and took off down the hill, I wanted to turn around. I prayed, annoyed. “God, show me how to know when I’m resisting something that will actually be for my good?”

My prayer was answered simply. I kept driving. I had an amazing time at that party. I made new friends, and fans. I shared a song for the birthday girl and gently rocked the crowd, moved the birthday girl to tears. The occasion wouldn’t have been the same without me...in some odd, unpretentious way.

The boredom that was settling evaporated.

Now I know the face of fear, its tricky ways. Illogical and manipulating. Showing up uninvited, trying to change my plans…

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Today's Daily Reflection

From Henri Nouwen's Bread for the Journey:

Creating Space to Dance Together

When we feel lonely we keep looking for a person or persons who can take our loneliness away. Our lonely hearts cry out, "Please hold me, touch me, speak to me, pay attention to me." But soon we discover that the person we expect to take our loneliness away cannot give us what we ask for. Often that person feels oppressed by our demands and runs away, leaving us in despair. As long as we approach another person from our loneliness, no mature human relationship can develop. Clinging to one another in loneliness is suffocating and eventually becomes destructive. For love to be possible we need the courage to create space between us and to trust that this space allows us to dance together.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year, New Moon, New Intentions

2010 was tough on relationships. I lost two girlfriends, and a third came close to the cutting room floor. But alas, the third and I, we found a rough way through.

Honestly, these were more of a letting go than a loss. I had opportunities to reconcile, to fix things, but I made the conscious choice not to try to repair the damage. That may sound a bit unforgiving, but truly, there was little resentment, just an acknowledgment that the overall value of those individuals in my life, wasn't worth the cost of the repair.

I attach very easily to people, so endings have always been emotional. However ironically, I've always been just as easily able to walk away from them. I fear at times, my ability to detach may be interpreted as cold, selfish even. But that's not the case at all. Just because I can do it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. I struggle, I cry. But I can walk straight through the pain, out the door, and never look back.

Nonetheless, it is this deep abiding form of attachment to others that is cause for my growing concern entering this new year, nudging me to reflect on the nature of my friendships.

There is a woman named Victoria who prays for me. We have never met. I've never even heard her voice. But for almost four years now, we are in touch via email. I send updates and prayer requests, she prays and sends reassuring words of wisdom and encouragement. Once, in response to a message I'd sent while in an earlier season of intense discontent in regards to my friendships, she asked if I'd considered the idea that I might be a "burden bearer." I'd never heard of such a thing. What she meant I came to see, is that somehow without intending to, I take on the pain of others. I can become a hosting ground for spirits - of fear, doubt, confusion, depression, stress, anger, exhaustion. I attract people who make a home for these spirits of despair. I am compassionate, I can relate. And it is as though they know I will help bear the load. I believe this attraction and subsequent reaction is purely spiritual, not the fault of myself or the other...I don't think people always knowingly dump their burdens onto others, but it happens. All the time. And as for me, at present I am exhausted from it - both, the weight of other people's pain, and the invitation granted in such relationships to wallow in my own.

I wonder if I am even more of an open container for other people's burdens, because I strive to keep my spirit as junk free as humanly possible? In my own experience, I find it impossible to live an emotionally and spiritually clutter-free life, without unloading my cares and worries on a regular basis. It is hard, soul-wearying work. Yet I believe that in order to maintain healthy friendships, each one must have their individual methods of caring for self. Each must be committed to maintaining a discipline of dealing with their own shit (excuse my French), by their own means.

Dealing with my issues alone sometimes feels like a full-time job. I MUST attend a Eucharist service at least once a week. Without regular communion, I - perfectionist, control-freak, anxiety-prone - I, forget that I'm not the one in control, at all. The bread and wine made holy, reminds me that Christ is always calling me to come unto Him and to leave my heavy burdens there at that table with the One who can bear them.
I see a therapist on a weekly basis for the sole purpose of identifying my issues (annoying!) and to whom I have committed myself to do the work required (often painstaking) to fix those issues.
I also see a spiritual director on a monthly basis and together, she and I sit, and "listen" to the Spirit work things out in me. And she lovingly holds me accountable to spiritual rules I have set for myself with regards to things like prayer, regular fellowship with other believers, and scripture reflection.
And perhaps the most effective tool of all for dealing with myself, is that I have made Solitude and Silence my dearest friends. In turn, they give me wisdom, peace...sometimes even joy.

This new moon asked me to reflect on the year past, and look ahead to what I intend to manifest for the year to come. Entering the year 2011 I can't help but sense that I am at a critical threshold in my life. Some things have been determined, and there is no turning back.

I rang in the new year alone, intentionally. Because perhaps it is not ironic that 2010 was tough on my friendships, when it just so happened to be invaluable for my personal self-development. I broke through in 2010. I found my voice, my confidence, my power. I am no longer afraid to be great.

And with those discoveries, came the discouraging reality that some, even some called friends, prefer to see you remain in a place of brokenness. One's surety can intimidate, one's confidence can shine an unwelcoming, uncomfortable light on another's insecurities.

Looking back, it appears I have survived my dark season of doubt and confusion and find myself having entered a state of welcomed clarity. Certainly I will meet those old dark foes again, at some other dire turning point in my lifetime. We all move in and out of phases of clarity. "To live is to be unsure," said my priest in a recent sermon. And I find lots of truth in that statement. But I do think my great quarter-life crisis is over. I know who I am, and I know what I want to be when I grow up.

And most importantly, I now know what kind of friend I want. I want friends who, for all intents and purposes, are better than me - kinder, more honest, more visionary, more devout. Friends who force me by their very nature to show up as my best, most courageous self, every day. Friends who have already been where I wish to go, or at the very least, friends who know where they are going. I do not wish for perfect friends, but I do wish for those who are authentic in being, who set standards for themselves...those who (as Victoria says) are "life giving."

These are whom I seek.

And to those I've had to leave behind in order to guard myself against old familiar demons...who prey on dreams with the intent to kill and destroy, I wish you well on your journey. I thank you for being a mirror for me to recognize my own weaknesses and fears. I pray for you wisdom to know where you may find resources to aid you, and the discipline to deal with life. May God grant you courage to confront your worst self and overcome her.

Amen.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I'm not taking any action right now. Will sleep on things.
Antony once said, "Don't react, respond."
Good advice when there are no right words.
There is some action, a few precious advances along the way.
Enough to consider.
Enough similarity, enough compatibility.
Enough interest, enough desire.
Enough wounds, enough pains.
Enough to share.
Is it unrealistic to think I can love without hurt?
Yes, she says.

What say the heart.

I speak as the fool.
The sound without reason.
I lie just shy of illogical,
far beyond comprehension.
I am the friend of agony.
and Ecstasy is my mother.
Of certain matters,
Faint ones feign not inquire.