Saturday, May 29, 2010

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure to keep it in tact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will be become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

C.S. Lewis

Monday, May 17, 2010

Waxing Full...

The Moon is not so easy to make acquaintance with. She regularly hides herself. When the Moon is New, the face of her is hidden from earth’s view. She stays in this posture, of hiding, for days. Until slowly, ever so slowly, she waxes, preparing to reveal herself again and face the world.

And I’ve been in hiding with her these last few days. After another full-blown exposure, I’ve retreated in. Keeping my face to myself. My feelings are nobody’s business. I show little signs of vulnerability. I reveal nothing of value. I am dealing with God.

This time the New Moon lunar phase we are presently cycling through coincides with my "Minerva" phase. Minerva was known as the virgin Greek goddess of wisdom…and the inventor of music. This period of time is understood to be an opportunity to honor one’s more contemplative nature. It marks an inward turning. Physically, a woman’s hormone levels drop towards the end of this phase in her hormonal cycle causing shifts in mood. If we tune into ourselves in this phase, often what comes up if we honor these intense moments of self-reflection are actually opportunities for major growth. Which is probably why we so easily brush off these mood shifts as PMS, rather than resting in It…Whatever It is. Growth is often times a by-product of suffering.

However, nurturing our contemplative nature is our way of being what we are created to be as women…women who feel, who heal, and who in the living out of our pain can nurture others through theirs. Of what use will we be to a broken world in which there will always be suffering if we ourselves cannot bear to suffer, nor bear to enter into another’s suffering? How can we Love in a world desperate for it, if we’ve built fortresses around our own hearts to block out disappointment and rejection? We must dare to bear it all. We must.

I tell you this, if you intend to offer anything of lasting value to this world, you do not have the luxury of avoiding pain.

You know, I like to think that when the Moon retreats into hiding, she is facing God. She takes everything she exposed herself to - all she witnessed and observed and allowed to enter into her experience and brings it to the Divine Healer. There, she empties herself fully so she can face it all again.

Our hiding must be this way, natural and intentional. Not mere avoidance, but a turning away from what others see of you, how they attempt to define you, to get in touch with how God sees you, and ultimately then, how you see yourself. The turning, the hiding, the emptying of yourself can be intense, and exhilarating, but you are guaranteed to confront a more meaningful, life-altering side of God. The encounter may feel like an assault to your very soul, your very existence, but you will survive it. Trust me. And you will re-emerge, ready. Confident.

The Moon cannot hide herself for long. And neither can I. No matter how rejected I feel…no matter how embarrassed, betrayed, let down, used, misunderstood by the world. I will come out again. I must.

See. Already, I am waxing Full again. Preparing for the next reveal. With Minerva as my guide. Shedding tears, ego…layers, letting go. Writing songs, with melancholy chords that say so much I can’t even put the tune into words yet…..

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

“I feel it all, I feel it all.
My wings are wide, my wings are wide.
Why carry it inside, why carry it inside?”

Feist, The Reminder