New Year, New Moon, New Intentions

2010 was tough on relationships. I lost two girlfriends, and a third came close to the cutting room floor. But alas, the third and I, we found a rough way through.

Honestly, these were more of a letting go than a loss. I had opportunities to reconcile, to fix things, but I made the conscious choice not to try to repair the damage. That may sound a bit unforgiving, but truly, there was little resentment, just an acknowledgment that the overall value of those individuals in my life, wasn't worth the cost of the repair.

I attach very easily to people, so endings have always been emotional. However ironically, I've always been just as easily able to walk away from them. I fear at times, my ability to detach may be interpreted as cold, selfish even. But that's not the case at all. Just because I can do it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. I struggle, I cry. But I can walk straight through the pain, out the door, and never look back.

Nonetheless, it is this deep abiding form of attachment to others that is cause for my growing concern entering this new year, nudging me to reflect on the nature of my friendships.

There is a woman named Victoria who prays for me. We have never met. I've never even heard her voice. But for almost four years now, we are in touch via email. I send updates and prayer requests, she prays and sends reassuring words of wisdom and encouragement. Once, in response to a message I'd sent while in an earlier season of intense discontent in regards to my friendships, she asked if I'd considered the idea that I might be a "burden bearer." I'd never heard of such a thing. What she meant I came to see, is that somehow without intending to, I take on the pain of others. I can become a hosting ground for spirits - of fear, doubt, confusion, depression, stress, anger, exhaustion. I attract people who make a home for these spirits of despair. I am compassionate, I can relate. And it is as though they know I will help bear the load. I believe this attraction and subsequent reaction is purely spiritual, not the fault of myself or the other...I don't think people always knowingly dump their burdens onto others, but it happens. All the time. And as for me, at present I am exhausted from it - both, the weight of other people's pain, and the invitation granted in such relationships to wallow in my own.

I wonder if I am even more of an open container for other people's burdens, because I strive to keep my spirit as junk free as humanly possible? In my own experience, I find it impossible to live an emotionally and spiritually clutter-free life, without unloading my cares and worries on a regular basis. It is hard, soul-wearying work. Yet I believe that in order to maintain healthy friendships, each one must have their individual methods of caring for self. Each must be committed to maintaining a discipline of dealing with their own shit (excuse my French), by their own means.

Dealing with my issues alone sometimes feels like a full-time job. I MUST attend a Eucharist service at least once a week. Without regular communion, I - perfectionist, control-freak, anxiety-prone - I, forget that I'm not the one in control, at all. The bread and wine made holy, reminds me that Christ is always calling me to come unto Him and to leave my heavy burdens there at that table with the One who can bear them.
I see a therapist on a weekly basis for the sole purpose of identifying my issues (annoying!) and to whom I have committed myself to do the work required (often painstaking) to fix those issues.
I also see a spiritual director on a monthly basis and together, she and I sit, and "listen" to the Spirit work things out in me. And she lovingly holds me accountable to spiritual rules I have set for myself with regards to things like prayer, regular fellowship with other believers, and scripture reflection.
And perhaps the most effective tool of all for dealing with myself, is that I have made Solitude and Silence my dearest friends. In turn, they give me wisdom, peace...sometimes even joy.

This new moon asked me to reflect on the year past, and look ahead to what I intend to manifest for the year to come. Entering the year 2011 I can't help but sense that I am at a critical threshold in my life. Some things have been determined, and there is no turning back.

I rang in the new year alone, intentionally. Because perhaps it is not ironic that 2010 was tough on my friendships, when it just so happened to be invaluable for my personal self-development. I broke through in 2010. I found my voice, my confidence, my power. I am no longer afraid to be great.

And with those discoveries, came the discouraging reality that some, even some called friends, prefer to see you remain in a place of brokenness. One's surety can intimidate, one's confidence can shine an unwelcoming, uncomfortable light on another's insecurities.

Looking back, it appears I have survived my dark season of doubt and confusion and find myself having entered a state of welcomed clarity. Certainly I will meet those old dark foes again, at some other dire turning point in my lifetime. We all move in and out of phases of clarity. "To live is to be unsure," said my priest in a recent sermon. And I find lots of truth in that statement. But I do think my great quarter-life crisis is over. I know who I am, and I know what I want to be when I grow up.

And most importantly, I now know what kind of friend I want. I want friends who, for all intents and purposes, are better than me - kinder, more honest, more visionary, more devout. Friends who force me by their very nature to show up as my best, most courageous self, every day. Friends who have already been where I wish to go, or at the very least, friends who know where they are going. I do not wish for perfect friends, but I do wish for those who are authentic in being, who set standards for themselves...those who (as Victoria says) are "life giving."

These are whom I seek.

And to those I've had to leave behind in order to guard myself against old familiar demons...who prey on dreams with the intent to kill and destroy, I wish you well on your journey. I thank you for being a mirror for me to recognize my own weaknesses and fears. I pray for you wisdom to know where you may find resources to aid you, and the discipline to deal with life. May God grant you courage to confront your worst self and overcome her.

Amen.