Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting
Wait without though, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."

T. S. Elliot ("East Coker," III)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Swimming deep in mystic waters

“My perceptions are changing. And so are my dreams.”

I call these writings, mystic tales, yet I confess at the beginning of this blog journey I’d barely an idea of what the term, ‘mystic,’ actually meant. In retrospect, the entitling of this blog was a prophetic call to understanding something so dark and holy that only in recent weeks is beginning to sound in my spirit more vehemently that ever. It seems I am being drawn in to a richer understanding of this mysterious world of mystic thinking. Therefore this post and those to follow may be more to my benefit than yours - to illuminate the meaning of this mystery of mysticism. Follow along if you dare, but I’ll be honest once more here and say, if I had any power to turn back myself, I’d end the journey here…

Everything is quiet around me and my days are filled with sorrow. I am turning off the world and silence is piercing my soul. I say, with worldly understanding – “I am depressed!” With Christian knowing, I cry – “It is my sin!” But it is neither. I am coming to know the dark and holy…what fourteenth century monastics knew as “The Cloud of Unknowing;” what some described as “the night of the Spirit.”

“Come up higher,” the Spirit says, “and I will show you things.”(1)

Higher. Beyond mere sense and perception. Beyond mere emotion and feeling. Beyond illusion and unto Reality.

This is all I can explain so far. I am sure it cannot make much sense. It is a matter of Spirit, and those battles can hardly be understood by even the one who's taken up their sword. For now, I will say no more of something so unknown. From what I study (and there is much written) these are the early stages of mystic preparation – the ‘purification of the senses’ and the ‘purification of the will.’ The former to do with disciplining the attention (or the mind) is commonly known as Recollection; the latter dealing with a re-orientation of the heart (its affections), which the mystics lovingly know as Purgation. (2)

‘All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms.’


1) Revelations 4:1
2) From Evelyn Underhill, Practical Mysticism.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure to keep it in tact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will be become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

C.S. Lewis

Monday, May 17, 2010

Waxing Full...

The Moon is not so easy to make acquaintance with. She regularly hides herself. When the Moon is New, the face of her is hidden from earth’s view. She stays in this posture, of hiding, for days. Until slowly, ever so slowly, she waxes, preparing to reveal herself again and face the world.

And I’ve been in hiding with her these last few days. After another full-blown exposure, I’ve retreated in. Keeping my face to myself. My feelings are nobody’s business. I show little signs of vulnerability. I reveal nothing of value. I am dealing with God.

This time the New Moon lunar phase we are presently cycling through coincides with my "Minerva" phase. Minerva was known as the virgin Greek goddess of wisdom…and the inventor of music. This period of time is understood to be an opportunity to honor one’s more contemplative nature. It marks an inward turning. Physically, a woman’s hormone levels drop towards the end of this phase in her hormonal cycle causing shifts in mood. If we tune into ourselves in this phase, often what comes up if we honor these intense moments of self-reflection are actually opportunities for major growth. Which is probably why we so easily brush off these mood shifts as PMS, rather than resting in It…Whatever It is. Growth is often times a by-product of suffering.

However, nurturing our contemplative nature is our way of being what we are created to be as women…women who feel, who heal, and who in the living out of our pain can nurture others through theirs. Of what use will we be to a broken world in which there will always be suffering if we ourselves cannot bear to suffer, nor bear to enter into another’s suffering? How can we Love in a world desperate for it, if we’ve built fortresses around our own hearts to block out disappointment and rejection? We must dare to bear it all. We must.

I tell you this, if you intend to offer anything of lasting value to this world, you do not have the luxury of avoiding pain.

You know, I like to think that when the Moon retreats into hiding, she is facing God. She takes everything she exposed herself to - all she witnessed and observed and allowed to enter into her experience and brings it to the Divine Healer. There, she empties herself fully so she can face it all again.

Our hiding must be this way, natural and intentional. Not mere avoidance, but a turning away from what others see of you, how they attempt to define you, to get in touch with how God sees you, and ultimately then, how you see yourself. The turning, the hiding, the emptying of yourself can be intense, and exhilarating, but you are guaranteed to confront a more meaningful, life-altering side of God. The encounter may feel like an assault to your very soul, your very existence, but you will survive it. Trust me. And you will re-emerge, ready. Confident.

The Moon cannot hide herself for long. And neither can I. No matter how rejected I feel…no matter how embarrassed, betrayed, let down, used, misunderstood by the world. I will come out again. I must.

See. Already, I am waxing Full again. Preparing for the next reveal. With Minerva as my guide. Shedding tears, ego…layers, letting go. Writing songs, with melancholy chords that say so much I can’t even put the tune into words yet…..

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

“I feel it all, I feel it all.
My wings are wide, my wings are wide.
Why carry it inside, why carry it inside?”

Feist, The Reminder

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

As artists, we must learn to express emotion at the right time, on the occasions where we need it to communicate a genuine point. We can't waste it on every given chance...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Uncharted Territory

Reading my monthly forecast, I wonder. If we are not attuned with our own spirit indwelling can forecasts, astrological predictions, whatever we might call it...can they even
apply? Do we have a chance at the possible outcomes they suggest if we make no effort to gain knowledge of what might occur?

Sometimes, its just easier to know what's up. Not necessarily because you are sure in the end
it will happen as it says, but because you're then more easily able to flow with it, or rather, towards the direction of it. Towards the direction something that sounds good, likely, possible. Away from that which does not.

Sometimes the possibility of something is enough to entice you towards it.
We can more easily than we think draw to ourselves objects of our desire. Create encounters perhaps intended by destiny. It does not necessarily mean we are writing the end, but the stage can be set for the spectacular to occur...Where you are face to face with some thing, some one
that may spark the flame.

There is always a light. It is what compels you to chart a course. There is no guarantee you will reach your destination. But if you can just position yourself in a place where if the wind comes, you can catch it, the chances are higher you may reach your destination.
That is the essence of adventure.
The only certainty is adventure itself.
And outcomes? Well...whatever will be, will be.

I think of legends of old and modern day. Explorers who did not travel blindly. Who used the stars as guides. Who could smell the earth and tell if rain comes, and where fertile ground lay waiting. Who trusted adventure. That forces of nature would come yet not destroy
their vessels.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Virtual solitude?

I left my journal in New York. So as circumstances force me to write on the laptop, I figure I may as well blog it. That’s what these things are for anyways, right?

I have no clue really. And frankly, I’m developing a real concern for these public networks. Especially the social ones, like Facebook. What are we accomplishing really exposing ourselves in such ways?

But then again, I have admitted issues with vulnerability. Have written about being like the moon, waxing and waning in stages of revelation. I have talked about love and the pre-requisite state, which I believe to be vulnerability. So maybe my issue is just that, mine. No need to take offense at on-line friend network.

Its just that lately, I have this dreaded sense when I’m on Facebook that I’m just feeding my ego. Saying things so they be heard. Showing things so they be seen. Seeing others so I know where to place myself.

And I’ll be honest, that’s what’s irking me these days. Not Facebook persay, but my Ego. Interrupting my sleep at 3am, Restless. Greeting me each early morning, Ready. The war against my ego and my spirit is waging strong. They cannot co-habitate, and they know it.

I need spiritual food…a good book, some sacred music, and some solitude.

Maybe even virtual solitude.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Between Two Moons

I've been on sabbatical.

My life in LA is on hold and in storage and has been since October of last year.
I worked as hard as I possibly could while living in the Hilton Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas for two months that Fall. Vegas got way colder than I expected, and about a week into the stint I realized I'd be spending the next eight weeks in an adult version of summer camp for yogis. It was an often aggravating and always childish sort of "work" environment. Nonetheless, I shed a layer. Watched the sun rise over Nevada mountains every morning from the twenty-seventh floor of the East Tower. I left once dirty bathroom towels on the floors and returned to a freshly made bed daily. I ate pancakes and bacon at the buffet too many times to admit. I took the elevator to my wine bar. Spent happy hours in the steam room at the spa. And did yoga. Because ultimately that was all we were there to do. So...in some respects, I guess Vegas was the beginning of the sabbatical. And there was the first lesson:
Just do what you are here to do. It is all you can do.

Then Paris. Ahhh...words cannot express. It seems every movie I've watched since I was there makes some reference to that beloved city of all my dreams come true. Or maybe its just me. I can't be sure. But Paris romanced me, enchanted me, exceeded itself beyond my expectations. And in the end, leaving Paris took my breathe away.

Suddenly, it is the new year. Two thousand and ten. The first new decade of the new millenia. And I find myself slowly slowing down. Its like I've come to the end of an epic ride and now I must rest for a moment and get my bearings.
Looking around at it all now, I swear, I have been at this place before.
Or maybe I am just adjusting - to an old but familiar sense of freedom that comes with having unintentionally shed the security of a home, of one address. I've no specific place to be and no immediate needs. So, I can. just. be.
Hmmm. I have been here at this place before.

I've been having these discussions with God about where I am supposed to be. Not like, just in life, but more specifically - geographically, physically, spiritually, etc. And moreso lately, (since this sabbatical began come to think of it), the conclusions are seeming less and less specific.
Be happy. Be adventurous. Be who you want to be. Do what you want to do. Go where you want to go. Enjoy life.

Funny, it was really hard to leave Montmarte, the artsy village where I lived during my stay in Paris, so I visited few tourist attractions. One day after a church service I attended just off George V, I walked along the Champs Elysees. I never saw Le Tour Eiffel, did not visit the Musee du Louvre, but I got pictures of the grand l'Arc de Triomphe. It is impressive, like its city.
The French say, "Courage." Just as Americans know the word. But the French especially, they say it with passion, just as they live. And they say it in very ordinary circumstances. Courage is not just for battle, it is for life.

A cutie at a roulette table in Vegas taught me, the secret to gambling is you can't be afraid to lose. You lose the moment you think you can't win.

Sitting here now, resting between two full moons, I feel like a sea captain plotting her next voyage. Catching my breathe while I watch the waves break and wait for the right tide to ship out.

Monday, January 11, 2010

You can't get back a day,
but you can create a new one
thereby altering the future.
Aren't our dreams, one by one,
mapping out several realities
wherein you are still alive
In what such condition we suppose
is to be determined. Nonetheless,
the perspective is clear. Choose
each day how you will live
and see the fruitful bounty of
your success.