Do you wanna ride?

I’m studying a new pattern.

An artist I deeply admire recently stated something to this effect about a warrior mentality – that warriors don’t rely on chance, rather, they carefully observe and study patterns and intentionally repeat and re-create circumstances in order to achieve success or victory.

The pattern I am privy to so far in 2012 is God’s orchestration of events in order to produce a result I have been slack in bringing to pass.

Example No 1. - In June of last year, I began keeping a very specific and detailed prayer list. Those who know me well know I swear by the discipline of writing things down. I’m a writer, so writing just makes sense to me. And I rely heavily on Habakkuk 2:2 to support the discipline spiritually. Writing is a way of manifesting, and on a simpler level, it clears the head.

Anyways, back to my specific and detailed prayer list. I had a section for others needs and a personal section, for my own needs. From the start, I wrote nearly each time I updated it (most often weekly) in my personal section – “Move to LA.” Now for those not familiar with Los Angeles, it’s a huge sprawling city, within a county, also called Los Angeles. I’d been living under the radar near the mountains above Pasadena – a more suburban section of the county about a 20 minutes drive from downtown Los Angeles (Staples Center) and from there, Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Venice, etc. I’d lived in Hollywood before, but I had some concerns about moving back. Yet always I knew, being in LA had purpose. Where I live is in many ways, like a calling for me. So every week, for months, I wrote this down on the list “Move to LA.” The prayer became so specific that I even began to believe God was actually urging me not just to move anywhere in LA, but to Beverly Hills of all places.

I deliberated, for months, considering the financial reality of the move – dismal to say the least. Nevertheless, I apartment hunted a bit. Then sometime around October or November, after following a lead on an ad listing, a visit to the place, and a follow-up lunch, I found myself being courted by a very nice young lady who was looking for a roommate. In LA. She had others interested, but one day she called and said she chose me! I turned it down flatly. The holidays came and went, and I was still up in the hills of Pasadena, hiding, doubting that I had what I needed – financially and emotionally, to make the move. In short, I was stuck.

Here comes the pattern. I returned to LA after the holidays without enough money to pay my rent. My landlord, a poor spirited, unreasonable man, managing just two units in a guest house on the back of his property, refused to offer me any grace with the rent. Now, I’d paid my rent to him consistently for a year and a half but he wanted me out. Immediately at first, then after a heart to heart opted instead to offer me 30 days notice to move and an end our month-to-month lease agreement. A fine solution for him, but left me, already severely challenged financially, with little to no security deposit I would have needed to make a move with. His lack of consideration was shocking. It just didn’t make any sense considering our history?

Until, it hit me. God was moving me out! It was apparent for months prior to these events that the Spirit was nudging me to move to LA. My prayer lists were a paper trail of evidence to that effect. As my eyes were opened to the spiritual action at play, I made the decision to move, immediately. I didn’t wait the 30 days. I just cleaned out in one weekend, with the help of some angel friends and left it behind. A lot happened in the two months that followed, delay, delay, delay, etc., etc., etc. - but to summarize the story, two weeks ago, I moved to Bel Air. Beverly Hills adjacent.

Example No. 2 - I was just about to relax in the promised land after the harrowing journey out of Egypt when I crashed my car on Sunset Blvd one rainy Sunday morning on my way to church. Are you kidding me?! Amazingly, no one was injured and I was able to drive my car home and to a mechanic the next day. He sent me to his body repair guy who told me it would cost around $1200 to repair the damage. That, plus a separate mechanical issue estimated at around $300-400 left me at a loss for words.

The clincher? My insurance policy won’t cover damages to my vehicle.

The dilemna? Repair my car or get a new one.

Somewhere in the wilderness between Pasadena and Bel Air, I lost the discipline of keeping my prayer list. But at the top of the year, for the first New Moon, I kept my discipline of writing out my resolutions and intentions for the year. Under my “Wishes for things I want to manifest” clear as day is written – “A new car.” And when I looked back through my prayer lists while writing this post, everywhere I wrote “Move to LA” not far behind is - “New car.”

My friends, I haven’t the money to consider buying a car. Nor a proper credit score to finance one. The audacity of me…to even consider such an action, when I have bills I can’t pay and debt to budget.

But when God does something twice in a row, forcing me to move out of my comfort zone and in the direction of my true heart’s desire, I’d be a faithless fool to ignore it.

Mercedes, here I come ;)

New Year, New Moon Intentions

I did this exercise last year and it was a really powerful practice. Doing it again and sharing it with you.

Make it a new year - set goals, make a choice, let things go. Here is a quick guide for how to go about it. Spend some time today in meditation and reflection and watch how God supports you.

Write your resolutions and intentions for the year and set your priorities. Make a list of what you need to release and burn it. Your intention lists can be in 3 categories:

1) Goals: for what you want to accomplish in 2012

2) Wishes: for things you want to manifest

3) Resolutions: for behaviors and attitudes and practices you wish to include.

4) What you need to release.


Make a promise to yourself that you will not leave anything for tomorrow that can be done today. "Do it now" should be a mantra for this time frame. Things are moving so quickly these days that anything procrastinated will be just that much harder to catch up with. If it doesn't get done, ask yourself if it is that important. If it is, then do it now. If not, let it go.

This is a good day to reset what is important. Be conscious of this as you write or rewrite your lists. The new moon is always a still point and a good time to indicate change. Just make sure it is something you are fully 100% behind as anything you decide will be supported fully, so choose wisely.

Advent Meditation

It is the second week of Advent - the beginning of a new year in the Orthodox Christian tradition and one of my favorite seasons in the liturgical calendar. Advent is all about expectation and anticipation...and I certainly know how to expect and anticipate well!

Advent prepares us for the arrival of something expected, which often requires a season of waiting...hence, the anticipation element. It is wise, always, to consider the journey to the gift...like the wise men following the star to the Christ child.

There can be no Christmas without Advent. And there can be no journey without others - friends, family, spiritual companions.

I came across these questions for Advent reflection from a workshop I did this time last year in one of my spiritual direction training classes and I thought it fitting to share them with you all. It's an excellent way to prepare for Christmas, and the new year - whether it has already begun for you, or is about to ;)

I pray they help to anchor you into this season of Blessed Hope.


1. What is God waiting for you to notice?

2. How might you prime yourself to notice, to be more aware of God's presence and action in your life?

3. What is growing within you?

4. Where are you on your journey?

5. Has your path been straight or crooked?

6. Who is accompanying you on your path?

7. What is your deepest desire?

8. Can you see where you are being led?

Wait for it

So I waited and waited
Turned off my world
Stopped chasing
Ceased to be available
Lost touch
Disconnected
Detached
Turned in
Tuned out
Sang with saints

All was quiet

First the rains came
Then gray skies
Dry winds
Shortness of breath
Voice lost in vast emptiness
I walked on
Beyond knowing

Mysterious surroundings
One familiar face
Peace I found
Contentment is home
There my heart is.

Time to cross over
giants or no.

Jordan's song.

Prayer in motion
Peace in chaos
Stillness on the fly

Milk and honey overflowing

The Place of Splendor by Jessica Powers

Little one, wait.
Let me assure you this is not the way
to gain the terminal of outer day.

Its single gate
lies in your soul, and you must rise and go
by inward passage from what earth you know.

The steps lead down
through valley after valley, far and far
past the five countries where the pleasures are,

and past all known
maps of the mind and every colored chart
and past the final outcry of the heart.

No soul can view
its own geography; love does not live
in places open and informative.

Yet, being true,
it grants to each its Raphael across
the mist and night through unknown lands of loss.

Wait till you hear
light told in music that was never heard,
and softness spoken that was not a word.

The soul grows clear
when senses fuse: sight, touch and sound are one
with savor and scent, and all to splendor run.

The smothered roar
of the eternities, their vast unrest
and infinite peace are deep in your own breast.

That light-swept shore
will shame the data of grief upon your scroll.
Child, have none told you? God is in your soul.

I wanna be a contender

Genesis 32: 24-31
And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him. And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob. And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed. And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there. And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved. And as he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.

When you encounter the same passage of scripture, two days in a row, and in different settings, it's likely God is trying to tell you something.
So, I inquired of the Lord - "What is the meaning of this passage? What would you have me to know?" And here is my response from the Lord:

Jacob wrestled with a man, all night long. When the man says, "Let me go," Jacob refuses and does not succeed to the command, insisting rather that his contender bless him. When the man, who Jacob realizes is God Himself in the form of an angel, assigns him a name, he chooses, "Israel," meaning "Prince of God," saying: "for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed."
God acknowledges in this statement Jacob's power over men. Jacob, (meaning supplanter, schemer or trickster), who had manipulated his brother Esau's blessing for himself, and later dealt trickily with Laban the father of his wives, leaving him (just prior to this scene), a rich man with two wives and many possessions. Interestingly, Jacob at this moment of being named, "Prince of God," stands literally between both men he has prevailed over - Laban behind him, and Esau before him.
But why God's acknowledgment in the name of having prevailed, even, over God? Why did God not rebuke Jacob, saying, "I told you to let go and you did not heed"...the dislocated hip a minor consequence of refusing to hear the voice of God? And what does this fractured hip represent? Our inability to encounter God unscathed? The story itself perhaps a reflection on the necessity of struggle in order to have a real encounter with God? I asked, "What would have happened if Jacob had just, let go? Nothing? No blessing? No new name? No Israel?
It is as though God desired an Israel who possessed the tenacity of spirit to wrestle Him. One with the stamina to insist upon struggle all night until daybreak.
What good, for God's purposes for this world, is a servant (Israel) who gives up in the dark hour, who cannot sustain until dawn's rising? ...one who cannot bear a minor, yet painful, injury like an out of joint thigh bone? What good for God's purposes in this world is one who cannot prevail?
God met Jacob there on purpose. To show him and all Israel to come, that if you wrestle through the midnight hour, dawn comes; and with its rising, your blessing, and even more than you ask for - a whole new name.

"Princess of God," He calls me now, "for as a princess, you have power with God and with men, and prevail."

Selah



Interesting notes on the Hebrew meaning of the name Israel


On the Waterfront (classic movie clip)

Settling into

I've been obsessively watching Oprah.com Behind the Scenes video clips for the last 48 hours. Suddenly, after over a year of no television in my home, I'm having a burning desire to watch things, anything. I didn't see a single episode of Oprah's final season, except the last 3 finale shows which I asked my mother to DVR for me so I could watch during a visit to Maryland for my birthday. But now, I've watched all this footage of her, with her producers, creating content for the monumental 25 year in the making finale season of episodes. It is quite riveting to see a woman like Oprah at work. Confessing she has no life outside of Harpo Studios, surprisingly cool about the end of a thing that has been her life for 25 years, watching everyone passionately work for her, truly believing they are changing the world with the content they produce. Everyone has an opinion about Oprah, and the more I watch, I have my own. But one of the most significant things I have learned from watching all of these videos, is something about the grace, strength, and wisdom Oprah exhibits, in keeping opinions about others, to herself. She appears to genuinely accept people for who they are. So I shall follow in her magnanimous footsteps, and just share something I learned from my Oprah meditation. (Yes, I can turn anything, even obsessive Oprah video clip watching, into a spiritual discipline ;)

My Oprah lesson is about journaling. There's a segment when the ladies of The View come to visit. They're all gathered in Oprah's office after taping the show and Oprah's showing Whoopi something she journaled about her back in their Color Purple days. Barbara Walters asks Oprah if she's always journaled, and Oprah says, "Yes. I've been journaling since I was 15." They're all fascinated by that. Not even Barbara Walters journals. And Oprah's fascinated by that. "How do you remember things? How did you write your book?" she asks Barbara.

I was fascinated by this similarity I share with Oprah...

My first ever journal entry is from 1991. I was 11 years old. What fascinates me more than the content of that particular journal, is the discipline I had to journal at that age. Almost every day there was an entry. Oh, it was just a short little paragraph, but an entry nonetheless. Here's a sample from today's date, July 11, 1991. It was another summer in Virginia at my grandparents country house by the Potomac River.

Dear Diary,
We went crabbing and caught 12. Then Granddaddy went again and caught about 7.
Bye,
Colleen Thomas

Lol.

Later, throughout my teen years, from about 1993-1998, I only have one journal. And most of the content is about being fat, trying to lose weight, complaining about my parents, friends, and boys I liked but never hooked up with.
After those years, my discipline increased. I began to fill one journal a year, one every 6 months...up to today. Now I average about one journal every two months.
And I began to see traces of my conversations with God emerge as the depth of the content increased.

Even Oprah admits that her 20's journals were all, "Woe is me" and obsessing about men. When I told my mother about my discovery of how life seemed to be from the perspective of my journals, compared to my actual memories of life at those periods of time (which, Thank God, is considerably more favorable), she shared a wisdom I gleaned from Oprah's confession. Mother said it's likely when we're young we tend to dwell on the have-nots. At those ages, I could only see what was happening to Me, unable to fully reflect on all of the nuances of feeling and experience that wisdom offers a more mature woman's perspective. When we're young, we are less likely to accept realities - that circumstances, good and bad, are there to grow us up; that the world doesn't revolve around us; that the purpose of being alive in God's world isn't to get everything we want.

Thank goodness I don't live with the mind of my teenage, 20-something self. And you know, as I write, I think what sparked such an intense interest in watching Oprah, was a similar sense of enjoyment I find being in the company of older women who are so much more settled in life. And not settled in a material sense of the word - that they've got their this and their that...but truly settled with life, with circumstances, no matter what has come. There are no regrets, life has been resolved, they've closed the book on worrying. They no longer view destiny as something to be controlled or manipulated. Rather, they have learned to accept all of life as destiny. Whatever dreams may...

As I reflected on another year coming, I experienced a noticeable settling. I was "at home" in Maryland with my parents...and at home in my heart with Life.
In my 20's I feared settling. It meant to me, giving up, forgetting my dreams. But I see I was limited in my understanding of its meaning. To settle does not just imply an end of a matter despite being wholly satisfied, like settling for something. Nor does it only imply giving up "the dream" for an ordinary, stable life, like settling down. No. To settle also can suggest a movement towards calmness or comfort...to become quiet in your soul. There is much beauty in that.

"Blessed are you when you are who you are," someone just preached to me. My journals teach me that.

No, I am not all I want to be yet. But I am rich in spirit. Because I am not living in fear that I'll never be all I want to be. And you know, I'll go one step further. Because my birthday revelation is even deeper than that. I'm not living in fear that if I am never all I want to be, I'll live in fear.

Now, that is peace beyond understanding.


Bye,
Colleen Thomas