2010 was tough on relationships. I lost two girlfriends, and a third came close to the cutting room floor. But alas, the third and I, we found a rough way through.
Honestly, these were more of a letting go than a loss. I had opportunities to reconcile, to fix things, but I made the conscious choice not to try to repair the damage. That may sound a bit unforgiving, but truly, there was little resentment, just an acknowledgment that the overall value of those individuals in my life, wasn't worth the cost of the repair.
I attach very easily to people, so endings have always been emotional. However ironically, I've always been just as easily able to walk away from them. I fear at times, my ability to detach may be interpreted as cold, selfish even. But that's not the case at all. Just because I can do it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. I struggle, I cry. But I can walk straight through the pain, out the door, and never look back.
Nonetheless, it is this deep abiding form of attachment to others that is cause for my growing concern entering this new year, nudging me to reflect on the nature of my friendships.
There is a woman named Victoria who prays for me. We have never met. I've never even heard her voice. But for almost four years now, we are in touch via email. I send updates and prayer requests, she prays and sends reassuring words of wisdom and encouragement. Once, in response to a message I'd sent while in an earlier season of intense discontent in regards to my friendships, she asked if I'd considered the idea that I might be a "burden bearer." I'd never heard of such a thing. What she meant I came to see, is that somehow without intending to, I take on the pain of others. I can become a hosting ground for spirits - of fear, doubt, confusion, depression, stress, anger, exhaustion. I attract people who make a home for these spirits of despair. I am compassionate, I can relate. And it is as though they know I will help bear the load. I believe this attraction and subsequent reaction is purely spiritual, not the fault of myself or the other...I don't think people always knowingly dump their burdens onto others, but it happens. All the time. And as for me, at present I am exhausted from it - both, the weight of other people's pain, and the invitation granted in such relationships to wallow in my own.
I wonder if I am even more of an open container for other people's burdens, because I strive to keep my spirit as junk free as humanly possible? In my own experience, I find it impossible to live an emotionally and spiritually clutter-free life, without unloading my cares and worries on a regular basis. It is hard, soul-wearying work. Yet I believe that in order to maintain healthy friendships, each one must have their individual methods of caring for self. Each must be committed to maintaining a discipline of dealing with their own shit (excuse my French), by their own means.
Dealing with my issues alone sometimes feels like a full-time job. I MUST attend a Eucharist service at least once a week. Without regular communion, I - perfectionist, control-freak, anxiety-prone - I, forget that I'm not the one in control, at all. The bread and wine made holy, reminds me that Christ is always calling me to come unto Him and to leave my heavy burdens there at that table with the One who can bear them.
I see a therapist on a weekly basis for the sole purpose of identifying my issues (annoying!) and to whom I have committed myself to do the work required (often painstaking) to fix those issues.
I also see a spiritual director on a monthly basis and together, she and I sit, and "listen" to the Spirit work things out in me. And she lovingly holds me accountable to spiritual rules I have set for myself with regards to things like prayer, regular fellowship with other believers, and scripture reflection.
And perhaps the most effective tool of all for dealing with myself, is that I have made Solitude and Silence my dearest friends. In turn, they give me wisdom, peace...sometimes even joy.
This new moon asked me to reflect on the year past, and look ahead to what I intend to manifest for the year to come. Entering the year 2011 I can't help but sense that I am at a critical threshold in my life. Some things have been determined, and there is no turning back.
I rang in the new year alone, intentionally. Because perhaps it is not ironic that 2010 was tough on my friendships, when it just so happened to be invaluable for my personal self-development. I broke through in 2010. I found my voice, my confidence, my power. I am no longer afraid to be great.
And with those discoveries, came the discouraging reality that some, even some called friends, prefer to see you remain in a place of brokenness. One's surety can intimidate, one's confidence can shine an unwelcoming, uncomfortable light on another's insecurities.
Looking back, it appears I have survived my dark season of doubt and confusion and find myself having entered a state of welcomed clarity. Certainly I will meet those old dark foes again, at some other dire turning point in my lifetime. We all move in and out of phases of clarity. "To live is to be unsure," said my priest in a recent sermon. And I find lots of truth in that statement. But I do think my great quarter-life crisis is over. I know who I am, and I know what I want to be when I grow up.
And most importantly, I now know what kind of friend I want. I want friends who, for all intents and purposes, are better than me - kinder, more honest, more visionary, more devout. Friends who force me by their very nature to show up as my best, most courageous self, every day. Friends who have already been where I wish to go, or at the very least, friends who know where they are going. I do not wish for perfect friends, but I do wish for those who are authentic in being, who set standards for themselves...those who (as Victoria says) are "life giving."
These are whom I seek.
And to those I've had to leave behind in order to guard myself against old familiar demons...who prey on dreams with the intent to kill and destroy, I wish you well on your journey. I thank you for being a mirror for me to recognize my own weaknesses and fears. I pray for you wisdom to know where you may find resources to aid you, and the discipline to deal with life. May God grant you courage to confront your worst self and overcome her.
Amen.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
I'm not taking any action right now. Will sleep on things.
Antony once said, "Don't react, respond."
Good advice when there are no right words.
There is some action, a few precious advances along the way.
Enough to consider.
Enough similarity, enough compatibility.
Enough interest, enough desire.
Enough wounds, enough pains.
Enough to share.
Is it unrealistic to think I can love without hurt?
Yes, she says.
What say the heart.
I speak as the fool.
The sound without reason.
I lie just shy of illogical,
far beyond comprehension.
I am the friend of agony.
and Ecstasy is my mother.
Of certain matters,
Faint ones feign not inquire.
Antony once said, "Don't react, respond."
Good advice when there are no right words.
There is some action, a few precious advances along the way.
Enough to consider.
Enough similarity, enough compatibility.
Enough interest, enough desire.
Enough wounds, enough pains.
Enough to share.
Is it unrealistic to think I can love without hurt?
Yes, she says.
What say the heart.
I speak as the fool.
The sound without reason.
I lie just shy of illogical,
far beyond comprehension.
I am the friend of agony.
and Ecstasy is my mother.
Of certain matters,
Faint ones feign not inquire.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
"I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting
Wait without though, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."
T. S. Elliot ("East Coker," III)
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting
Wait without though, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing."
T. S. Elliot ("East Coker," III)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Swimming deep in mystic waters
“My perceptions are changing. And so are my dreams.”
I call these writings, mystic tales, yet I confess at the beginning of this blog journey I’d barely an idea of what the term, ‘mystic,’ actually meant. In retrospect, the entitling of this blog was a prophetic call to understanding something so dark and holy that only in recent weeks is beginning to sound in my spirit more vehemently that ever. It seems I am being drawn in to a richer understanding of this mysterious world of mystic thinking. Therefore this post and those to follow may be more to my benefit than yours - to illuminate the meaning of this mystery of mysticism. Follow along if you dare, but I’ll be honest once more here and say, if I had any power to turn back myself, I’d end the journey here…
Everything is quiet around me and my days are filled with sorrow. I am turning off the world and silence is piercing my soul. I say, with worldly understanding – “I am depressed!” With Christian knowing, I cry – “It is my sin!” But it is neither. I am coming to know the dark and holy…what fourteenth century monastics knew as “The Cloud of Unknowing;” what some described as “the night of the Spirit.”
“Come up higher,” the Spirit says, “and I will show you things.”(1)
Higher. Beyond mere sense and perception. Beyond mere emotion and feeling. Beyond illusion and unto Reality.
This is all I can explain so far. I am sure it cannot make much sense. It is a matter of Spirit, and those battles can hardly be understood by even the one who's taken up their sword. For now, I will say no more of something so unknown. From what I study (and there is much written) these are the early stages of mystic preparation – the ‘purification of the senses’ and the ‘purification of the will.’ The former to do with disciplining the attention (or the mind) is commonly known as Recollection; the latter dealing with a re-orientation of the heart (its affections), which the mystics lovingly know as Purgation. (2)
‘All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms.’
1) Revelations 4:1
2) From Evelyn Underhill, Practical Mysticism.
I call these writings, mystic tales, yet I confess at the beginning of this blog journey I’d barely an idea of what the term, ‘mystic,’ actually meant. In retrospect, the entitling of this blog was a prophetic call to understanding something so dark and holy that only in recent weeks is beginning to sound in my spirit more vehemently that ever. It seems I am being drawn in to a richer understanding of this mysterious world of mystic thinking. Therefore this post and those to follow may be more to my benefit than yours - to illuminate the meaning of this mystery of mysticism. Follow along if you dare, but I’ll be honest once more here and say, if I had any power to turn back myself, I’d end the journey here…
Everything is quiet around me and my days are filled with sorrow. I am turning off the world and silence is piercing my soul. I say, with worldly understanding – “I am depressed!” With Christian knowing, I cry – “It is my sin!” But it is neither. I am coming to know the dark and holy…what fourteenth century monastics knew as “The Cloud of Unknowing;” what some described as “the night of the Spirit.”
“Come up higher,” the Spirit says, “and I will show you things.”(1)
Higher. Beyond mere sense and perception. Beyond mere emotion and feeling. Beyond illusion and unto Reality.
This is all I can explain so far. I am sure it cannot make much sense. It is a matter of Spirit, and those battles can hardly be understood by even the one who's taken up their sword. For now, I will say no more of something so unknown. From what I study (and there is much written) these are the early stages of mystic preparation – the ‘purification of the senses’ and the ‘purification of the will.’ The former to do with disciplining the attention (or the mind) is commonly known as Recollection; the latter dealing with a re-orientation of the heart (its affections), which the mystics lovingly know as Purgation. (2)
‘All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms.’
1) Revelations 4:1
2) From Evelyn Underhill, Practical Mysticism.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure to keep it in tact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will be become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
C.S. Lewis
C.S. Lewis
Monday, May 17, 2010
Waxing Full...
The Moon is not so easy to make acquaintance with. She regularly hides herself. When the Moon is New, the face of her is hidden from earth’s view. She stays in this posture, of hiding, for days. Until slowly, ever so slowly, she waxes, preparing to reveal herself again and face the world.
And I’ve been in hiding with her these last few days. After another full-blown exposure, I’ve retreated in. Keeping my face to myself. My feelings are nobody’s business. I show little signs of vulnerability. I reveal nothing of value. I am dealing with God.
This time the New Moon lunar phase we are presently cycling through coincides with my "Minerva" phase. Minerva was known as the virgin Greek goddess of wisdom…and the inventor of music. This period of time is understood to be an opportunity to honor one’s more contemplative nature. It marks an inward turning. Physically, a woman’s hormone levels drop towards the end of this phase in her hormonal cycle causing shifts in mood. If we tune into ourselves in this phase, often what comes up if we honor these intense moments of self-reflection are actually opportunities for major growth. Which is probably why we so easily brush off these mood shifts as PMS, rather than resting in It…Whatever It is. Growth is often times a by-product of suffering.
However, nurturing our contemplative nature is our way of being what we are created to be as women…women who feel, who heal, and who in the living out of our pain can nurture others through theirs. Of what use will we be to a broken world in which there will always be suffering if we ourselves cannot bear to suffer, nor bear to enter into another’s suffering? How can we Love in a world desperate for it, if we’ve built fortresses around our own hearts to block out disappointment and rejection? We must dare to bear it all. We must.
I tell you this, if you intend to offer anything of lasting value to this world, you do not have the luxury of avoiding pain.
You know, I like to think that when the Moon retreats into hiding, she is facing God. She takes everything she exposed herself to - all she witnessed and observed and allowed to enter into her experience and brings it to the Divine Healer. There, she empties herself fully so she can face it all again.
Our hiding must be this way, natural and intentional. Not mere avoidance, but a turning away from what others see of you, how they attempt to define you, to get in touch with how God sees you, and ultimately then, how you see yourself. The turning, the hiding, the emptying of yourself can be intense, and exhilarating, but you are guaranteed to confront a more meaningful, life-altering side of God. The encounter may feel like an assault to your very soul, your very existence, but you will survive it. Trust me. And you will re-emerge, ready. Confident.
The Moon cannot hide herself for long. And neither can I. No matter how rejected I feel…no matter how embarrassed, betrayed, let down, used, misunderstood by the world. I will come out again. I must.
See. Already, I am waxing Full again. Preparing for the next reveal. With Minerva as my guide. Shedding tears, ego…layers, letting go. Writing songs, with melancholy chords that say so much I can’t even put the tune into words yet…..
And I’ve been in hiding with her these last few days. After another full-blown exposure, I’ve retreated in. Keeping my face to myself. My feelings are nobody’s business. I show little signs of vulnerability. I reveal nothing of value. I am dealing with God.
This time the New Moon lunar phase we are presently cycling through coincides with my "Minerva" phase. Minerva was known as the virgin Greek goddess of wisdom…and the inventor of music. This period of time is understood to be an opportunity to honor one’s more contemplative nature. It marks an inward turning. Physically, a woman’s hormone levels drop towards the end of this phase in her hormonal cycle causing shifts in mood. If we tune into ourselves in this phase, often what comes up if we honor these intense moments of self-reflection are actually opportunities for major growth. Which is probably why we so easily brush off these mood shifts as PMS, rather than resting in It…Whatever It is. Growth is often times a by-product of suffering.
However, nurturing our contemplative nature is our way of being what we are created to be as women…women who feel, who heal, and who in the living out of our pain can nurture others through theirs. Of what use will we be to a broken world in which there will always be suffering if we ourselves cannot bear to suffer, nor bear to enter into another’s suffering? How can we Love in a world desperate for it, if we’ve built fortresses around our own hearts to block out disappointment and rejection? We must dare to bear it all. We must.
I tell you this, if you intend to offer anything of lasting value to this world, you do not have the luxury of avoiding pain.
You know, I like to think that when the Moon retreats into hiding, she is facing God. She takes everything she exposed herself to - all she witnessed and observed and allowed to enter into her experience and brings it to the Divine Healer. There, she empties herself fully so she can face it all again.
Our hiding must be this way, natural and intentional. Not mere avoidance, but a turning away from what others see of you, how they attempt to define you, to get in touch with how God sees you, and ultimately then, how you see yourself. The turning, the hiding, the emptying of yourself can be intense, and exhilarating, but you are guaranteed to confront a more meaningful, life-altering side of God. The encounter may feel like an assault to your very soul, your very existence, but you will survive it. Trust me. And you will re-emerge, ready. Confident.
The Moon cannot hide herself for long. And neither can I. No matter how rejected I feel…no matter how embarrassed, betrayed, let down, used, misunderstood by the world. I will come out again. I must.
See. Already, I am waxing Full again. Preparing for the next reveal. With Minerva as my guide. Shedding tears, ego…layers, letting go. Writing songs, with melancholy chords that say so much I can’t even put the tune into words yet…..
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