New Moon

My period came with the New Moon and I suppose with her came a new night. A new way of looking out on Los Angeles, my home, my body, my purpose. She came full and running over with emotion. Sometimes new revelation carries with it the weight of realization.

A once fearful self does not always immediately re-emerge a confident self. More often she first simply becomes a self aware of her fears. One willing to say out loud, “I am afraid.” Willing to hear a dear friend, a teacher, a soft God whisper in the night say, “Darling, you are just scared.”

I began reading The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila. Teresa was a 16th century mystic who recorded her transcendent experiences with God through prayer. In this book, she writes of a place in the center of our being that houses many dwellings. She calls this place ‘the interior castle’ and inside this castle is God’s dwelling place. God dwells here, in the very center of our self. “But,” says Teresa, “the door to this castle is prayer.”

The interior castle houses seven dwellings to be exact, like stages of faith or Hindu chakras. And the book is divided into seven chapters. I read only through the Second Dwelling, stopping at the end as though dead in my tracks thinking, “this is as far as I’ve gotten on my spiritual journey?”

Like the moon, we go through cycles. Within a period of 28 days or less we pass through a range of emotion. At the full moon I feel more sure of self, more open to exposing my true self to others. Like the moon when she is full, I guess I dread less the idea of letting the world see me in full light.

The opposite of fear is commonly known to be love. But I suppose fear’s opposite can also be confidence. Confidence is when vulnerability becomes not a thing to resist, but rather, a thing willing to be understood. Then vulnerability may be used to its fullest potential - to expose the self - without apology, without shame, and without retreat. That is unconditionally loving yourself.

St. Teresa writes this of the soul daring enough to move beyond the second dwelling,


Faith teaches the soul exactly what will make her whole.



The will, after seeing countless signs of love, inclines the soul to love in return. The will shows the soul that this is a Lover who will never leave her, One who walks with her always, giving her life and being. The intellect steps in to help the soul understand that she can never hope to have a better friend as long as she lives. It shows the soul that the world is filled with illusion and that these pleasures that the spirit of evil is dangling before her come laden with trials and tribulations, with worries and contractions. It points out that she will find neither security nor peace outside the castle.



May the soul always cultivate her intention not to be vanquished.